The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Come on in and take your pants off
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
