these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Floor bacon is actually really good
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
