I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
