He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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