You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
