You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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