I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
