Umm I'm too high to move.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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