ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
