I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
