She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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