considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
