Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
