I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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