mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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