I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
