he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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