just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
me + whiskey = a bad person
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
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