I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
