First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
