Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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