i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
