Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Randomize
