whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
