You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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