Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize