he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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