Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Randomize
