You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
