Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
