The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
