This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
my shit smells like andre
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
