Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
