felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Someone signed my nipple.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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