put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
