i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
