Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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