mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
