after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
