Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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