I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
