Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
