dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
