I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
