Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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