you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
