either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
