There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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