he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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