Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
