I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
