I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
