so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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