If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
