His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
