I just threw up on my dentist
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
