Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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