Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
