dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
