dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
