the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
