I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
