Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
