I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
